I'm so tired of being dicked around in life. I just found out that my career ladder for work that was supposed to be GS-12 is only to GS-9. My co-worker who was in the program can't seem to get promoted past 9 despite being a great worker.

Time to change priorities.

Really, really, really wishing I went to All Good. Gathering is going to be alright... but eh. Nobody's going, and it's far, and I'm starting to get sick. Fuuuuuuckkk.

I've always wanted to write it a journal-style format, but I can never bring myself to do it consistently. Doing it online seems like an easy way, but I guess a part of me doesn't want to expose everything I feel to the world. I always fear that I'll say something insulting, or insensitive, creepy, or just some sad bastard shit... but hey, at least it's honest. Since it will likely take people a bit to realize I have this maybe I'll give it a whirl and use the comfort of the anonymity to motivate me for now.

Right now I'm pretty excited about music. It's what keeps me going no matter how dark or monotonous life can be. Having recorded some pop-punk music lately has made me feel free in some respect. I somewhat fear it's me trying to reach for something of the past, but I think it might be something completely opposite and great. On a musical level it might be really basic, but there's something about it that makes me feel alive. Like my soul is breathing when much of life can have a strangling effect.

Having said that, the Blackbirds is refreshing and much more of a collaborative event that without the medium of music wouldn't be possible. I'm excited that we're discussing recording much more seriously than in the past and I hope that we can make something great. I think we have plenty of room to grow, but I think that with something to anchor us, we can find the motivation needed.

I feel like many of my life goals have been unrealistic and dependent on other people. But maybe it's because I haven't tried hard enough. I need to learn to take initiative and make the things happen that I want to happen. I realize that I've achieved a significant amount in my life, but I feel like I've never really had to put that much of myself to achieve what I want. I have a job that pays well and I can easily see carrying me on to a happy life. I have great friends, in fact, there's barely enough time to catch up with all of them without letting someone down. That is probably my greatest stressor. I don't want to let anyone down. At the same time, it can't be all about pleasing others, I need to step back and realize what I want out of life because time is going so fast. I feel like I've wasted so much time being isolated and not freeing myself to the moment.

One thing that I'll probably write about consistently, if I can keep this up, is love. Since I can remember liking girls, I've just wanted to be with someone who I could give everything within me to, and hopefully someone who can do the same for me. It's stupid to be preoccupied with it, but I really just need to know that eventually I will find it. Maybe I'm naive for thinking I found it at one point, but I believe that love doesn't necessarily last forever. I find it hard to accept that fact that I've given someone literally everything that I'm capable of, but it still wasn't enough. I constantly ask myself, "If that wasn't enough, how can I expect to find love that will last?" Am I beating myself up for no reason? Perhaps. People change, and really there's nothing you can do except change with them. If you don't, growing apart is inevitable, and honestly I'm pretty glad I didn't change. I see how things are now, and I realize that part of me was dying. The happiness I feel now is because I don't feel like I did. I am honestly happy now for the first time in a long time.

I know what I'm looking for and I just have to find it. Maybe I'm shallow, maybe I'm just trying to avoid repeating the same sequence of events. I often think about people of the past that I passed over, and think about it now. I'm still trying to decide if that's really fucked up or not. There's specifically one person that I met years ago that I thought was really cool... I only hung out with her on a couple occasions, but I don't know, I just see her on random online stuff like Facebook, and just think, "wow, she seems amazing." I don't even know this person. Particularly since I should know that people change. I have a lot of time on my hands, and I've probably viewed everything there is to view on Facebook on everyone I know, but I found myself reading her blog the other day. One thing stuck out to me and it just... I don't know, hit me. "I wonder if I'll ever mean everything to one person."

I do know that I'm about as over the past as I should be, which is pretty remarkable considering how I've been with things of this sort in the past. Am I ready for the future? I think so. I want to think so.