I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a loaded gun. That gun's name is life. It's easy to ignore our shortcomings and neglect things we should deal with when our life is busy. Because, well, you're too busy to think about those things. Eventually, we all get free time, and those things catch up with us. The question is, do you sit and continue in ignorance, or do what you can to change those things? Better yet, how do we change those things that we've neglected for so long?

These are the questions that are currently on my mind. I've made some pretty radical changes in my life, but I feel most of those were done when I was much younger. More able to change. I personally think the inability to change is some bullshit figment of my imagination, and with a little will, I can make the changes I want again. It's that first moment of jumping that's the bitch... the free-fall is a blast.

I love doing these lists cause it gives you a chance to think about all the great music that has come out. Granted, I'll probably revise this, but it's something to kill time at work.


Best of 2009

1. The Dangerous Summer - Reach for the Sun

2. Brand New - Daisy

3. Paramore - Brand New Eyes

4. Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band - Outer South

5. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

6. Passion Pit - Manners

7. Ace Enders and a Million Different People - When I Hit the Ground

8. Title Fight - The Last Thing You Forget

9. Them Crooked Vultures - s/t

10. Manchester Orchestra - Mean Everything to Nothing

Best of the Decade

1. At the Drive-In - Relationship of Command

2. Brand New - Deja Entendu

3. The Starting Line - Say It Like You Mean It

4. Ted Leo/The Pharmacists - Shake the Sheets

5. Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism

6. Ryan Adams - Rock and Roll

7. The Hold Steady - Boys and Girls in America

8. Bloc Party - Silent Alarm

9. Bright Eyes - Fevers and Mirrors

10. Nada Surf - The Weight Is a Gift

Today is just a blogging kind of day, I suppose. This one falls under my lack of understanding with social things and people. There was this girl in my music class in the Spring who I thought seemed pretty cool, but as luck would have it, she would come in after the class had started and leave right as it ended. Seemingly, just another one of those people who you notice in life, they don't notice you, and you never see again.

Out of the blue, my friend sends me a text message and says she's with her friend who knows me. I don't recognize the name my friend throws out so I look her up through Facebook and it turns out to be this girl. This just confuses the hell of out of me, not on a women level, but on a people level. It seemed that this girl who paid little attention to my existance and rarely talked to me somehow remembers me, my name, and being in this class with me. How the hell does that work? I'm more used to being on the creeper side of keeping tabs on people. As the creeper, you would think you would know when your being creep'd.

I kind of brushed it off as whatever until my friend asked me to go drinking with her and this girl. I can't really tell if this is one of those trying to hook up friends things or if it's like hey, they know each other, so yeah. I dunno man... creeper role reversal'd.

Done. Finally done with school. Right now I'm just feeling really excited about all the free time that I'll be able to devote to things that deserve my attention. I thought when it came down to the moment, I'd be feeling super-anxious, but right now, it feels great. I guess I was kinda fearing the onset of anxiety attacks like I had last year around this time, but *knock on wood* I'm feeling the excited side of that emotion rather than the worried side. Hopefully, that's an indication that I have a better notion of where I am, who I am, and where I need to go.

Does acting pretentious actually mean you have any intellectual value? My opinion: no, it usually means the opposite.

There's this old dude at work who talks like someone on the history channel, does that contemplative folded hands thing when he swings his chair around (think Dr. Evil), and if you hand him something while he's working, he won't bother to look away. He also tells really dry jokes and laughs like he should be having tea and crumpets.

Don't forget to stick up your pinky, you want them to know you're classy.

One of my friends become (and I use this term loosely) acquaintences has decided to move back to Australia. It's weird for me to even give a second thought to a thing like this, but all of a sudden I feel that people are leaving. Or at least, ultimately plan to leave. College ends and we are free to explore. The world is our oyster and all that stuff.

Am I stupid for staying here? I don't feel like it, but maybe I'm blinded by comfort of the familiar.

My internal/external struggle with school and doing things I enjoy is becoming way too apparent. I'll sit and do one problem of a homework assignment, then stop and pick up the guitar for 15 minutes, then I'll go look at some computer stuff, then I'll come back to homework. At that point I think to myself, "Oh shit, I actually have to finish this."

5 weeks, 2 days to go.

Sometimes I feel distant from everyone, and in those moments I feel a little more human. In a weird way though, it's kind of enjoyable. No negativity. More focused. More thoughtful. Thinking of the future. It gives me hope, as strange as that might seem.

Holy hell... As a person who feels like they endlessly search for that tone in their head, I think this is as close as humanly possible.

I live in a world of constant cycles, whether it be a daily, weekly, or annual cycle. It seems that everything I do or that happens to me can be put into one of those groups. I guess I just started thinking about it because it's particularly noticable to me in the fall season.

Daily cyclical things - Work, school, homework, feel tired after lunch, see a particularly attractive girl at work or school with no way to talk to her, try to at least pick up the guitar once a day, etc.
Weekly cyclical things - M-Thurs work/school, Thurs - Padonia Station, Friday - dick around, Sat - band practice
Annual things - Feel awesome in the spring/summer, feel bummed in the fall, get sick at the exact same times each year

I guess these things aren't really uncommon to anyone, but I just think it's strange.

Never, never, never gets old.

I realized that the best gift anyone can give to another person is their trust. When trust is achieved we can share any feelings, problems, and, on the other side of the coin, all the great things. I was feeling like I was falling into a deep funk, and then someone shared something with me. That trust is the invisible hand reaching out to say, "No one is in this alone."

Girl, hit me up.

I say this constantly, but I really just want to spend my time doing music and computer stuff. That's what I really love. That's what makes me happy. That's what makes me feel like I have purpose in this world.

Nerding out on some Photoshopping for the band today:

Ordered:

Digi 003 w/ Pro Tools 8 LE

Takamine GS330S acoustic guitar

Left to get:

QS&TBB shirts

Nice vocal mic

Being able to make this stuff happen makes all the work worth it.

Summer is winding down and it's weird. This summer has been pretty great, I got to hang out with a lot of friends, went to some awesome shows, went to the beach.... but I wish I did more. I was really hoping to make it out to California and see something completely different. That kind of different scenery, something far from the day-to-day repetitive existance is what I really want right now.

I have this idea in my head of where I want to be and I'm not sure how to get there.

I'm hoping I can come fully out of this shell this final semester of college and that it leads to some great things happening. It feels like I'm coming to the end of young adulthood; being able to just go where the wind blows, and that's kind of scary. Probably my biggest fear is that I won't meet new people after college. I have great friends, but that's both the best thing someone could ask for and a downfall. If I don't learn to reach out to new people, how can I expect to find the future I'm looking for?

It's time to take my guard down, let everything happen naturally, and really let go of everything I convinced myself of for so long about everything... literally, everything.

I just had this thought:

Is life about completing goals, or is it about enjoying yourself?

I know a lot of people that easily can be put under one of those two categories, and of course some that overlap. But it seems that people view the purpose of life as primarily one of those. It seems that guides their behavior. I just thought that was a really interesting thought.

I started thinking about it because I'm not sure which category I fall in. Right now, I'm really concerned about where my life is going. I want the band to really, really, get it together. I feel we're approaching that point where we make a move or we start getting annoyed. We've written a bunch of songs, and if they don't get recorded and released as an actual album, I don't think it will last. It's been the downfall of every band I've been in. I feel like we will definitely need a bass player, which presents another world of issues. There's a lot that we need to do to get to where we need to be, and I'm honestly not sure we'll get there.

I'm so tired of being dicked around in life. I just found out that my career ladder for work that was supposed to be GS-12 is only to GS-9. My co-worker who was in the program can't seem to get promoted past 9 despite being a great worker.

Time to change priorities.

Really, really, really wishing I went to All Good. Gathering is going to be alright... but eh. Nobody's going, and it's far, and I'm starting to get sick. Fuuuuuuckkk.

I've always wanted to write it a journal-style format, but I can never bring myself to do it consistently. Doing it online seems like an easy way, but I guess a part of me doesn't want to expose everything I feel to the world. I always fear that I'll say something insulting, or insensitive, creepy, or just some sad bastard shit... but hey, at least it's honest. Since it will likely take people a bit to realize I have this maybe I'll give it a whirl and use the comfort of the anonymity to motivate me for now.

Right now I'm pretty excited about music. It's what keeps me going no matter how dark or monotonous life can be. Having recorded some pop-punk music lately has made me feel free in some respect. I somewhat fear it's me trying to reach for something of the past, but I think it might be something completely opposite and great. On a musical level it might be really basic, but there's something about it that makes me feel alive. Like my soul is breathing when much of life can have a strangling effect.

Having said that, the Blackbirds is refreshing and much more of a collaborative event that without the medium of music wouldn't be possible. I'm excited that we're discussing recording much more seriously than in the past and I hope that we can make something great. I think we have plenty of room to grow, but I think that with something to anchor us, we can find the motivation needed.

I feel like many of my life goals have been unrealistic and dependent on other people. But maybe it's because I haven't tried hard enough. I need to learn to take initiative and make the things happen that I want to happen. I realize that I've achieved a significant amount in my life, but I feel like I've never really had to put that much of myself to achieve what I want. I have a job that pays well and I can easily see carrying me on to a happy life. I have great friends, in fact, there's barely enough time to catch up with all of them without letting someone down. That is probably my greatest stressor. I don't want to let anyone down. At the same time, it can't be all about pleasing others, I need to step back and realize what I want out of life because time is going so fast. I feel like I've wasted so much time being isolated and not freeing myself to the moment.

One thing that I'll probably write about consistently, if I can keep this up, is love. Since I can remember liking girls, I've just wanted to be with someone who I could give everything within me to, and hopefully someone who can do the same for me. It's stupid to be preoccupied with it, but I really just need to know that eventually I will find it. Maybe I'm naive for thinking I found it at one point, but I believe that love doesn't necessarily last forever. I find it hard to accept that fact that I've given someone literally everything that I'm capable of, but it still wasn't enough. I constantly ask myself, "If that wasn't enough, how can I expect to find love that will last?" Am I beating myself up for no reason? Perhaps. People change, and really there's nothing you can do except change with them. If you don't, growing apart is inevitable, and honestly I'm pretty glad I didn't change. I see how things are now, and I realize that part of me was dying. The happiness I feel now is because I don't feel like I did. I am honestly happy now for the first time in a long time.

I know what I'm looking for and I just have to find it. Maybe I'm shallow, maybe I'm just trying to avoid repeating the same sequence of events. I often think about people of the past that I passed over, and think about it now. I'm still trying to decide if that's really fucked up or not. There's specifically one person that I met years ago that I thought was really cool... I only hung out with her on a couple occasions, but I don't know, I just see her on random online stuff like Facebook, and just think, "wow, she seems amazing." I don't even know this person. Particularly since I should know that people change. I have a lot of time on my hands, and I've probably viewed everything there is to view on Facebook on everyone I know, but I found myself reading her blog the other day. One thing stuck out to me and it just... I don't know, hit me. "I wonder if I'll ever mean everything to one person."

I do know that I'm about as over the past as I should be, which is pretty remarkable considering how I've been with things of this sort in the past. Am I ready for the future? I think so. I want to think so.